Cristian Mihai wrote today on writing: No, I believe it’s far more important to find something you care about so much, and yet you don’t entirely understand, that you have to write about it, in the hope of finding out more.
This weekend has been one of much trial and error, pain, hurt, frustration, success, and, just, emotion. So much has been going on within my personal life lately and I haven’t been honest with you, my family, and myself. Where to start? I can’t promise that this will be in any logical order, but I will write to try and make sense and ask for your prayer and encouragement through this time.
Yesterday, I talked to my mom on the phone like I so often do, but this conversation was cut short after she asked me a question that I was sick and tired of lying about. She asked me about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t mean in terms of it going well or not, but rather our intimacy and our living situation. My boyfriend has been living with me for quite some time now, and we are intimate. My mom went very silent and said that she would call me back at another time. She claimed she was not mad and told me she loves me. I knew that I would have to explain to her sooner or later about my living situation and intimacy with my boyfriend because my lease will be up soon and we will be officially signing a new lease together. These are exciting moments for me because he has become my best friend. What the problem is here is that I am a hypocrite. Here I am preaching the gospel, trying to live God’s word and what do I do? I break one of the greatest commitments in life, which is marriage. Marriage is of God. It is a holy representation of God’s love for us and our relationship with him. That is one thing that hurt, telling my mom because I made her believe otherwise; that I was waiting until marriage, which was my original plan. But, life happens, doesn’t it? I am human. I feel pressured a lot to fit into a perfect mold for my mom because I want to please her. I have striven to do so my entire life. I’ve seen my mom disappointed in my siblings before and in other relationships. I don’t like seeing her upset and hurt because I love her. I always felt that we have a special bond because we have been through so much together. That’s what hurts is knowing that she is disappointed and she may be mad at me, but I know she is mad at herself. I use to feel and still do that her standards are particularly high, but her standards are from God. God’s standards are just that; of God. They are not of this world, so of course they are hard to meet and are something to work hard towards. I feel like I have failed not only my mom, but God. But, what is sad is that I don’t want to change. I feel angry at myself and at God for letting this happen. I am a hypocrite, and I hurt someone I love so very much. I don’t know how to talk to her now. My stomach just churns when I think about it and I feel sick. I am disgusted with myself for the hurt, but don’t want to take back what I have done. That is something that upsets me too. Have you ever felt that way?
I have been engaged before and gave my virginity to my ex-fiance. The break up was not something I ever wish on anyone, to say the least, and since everything happened I have had continuous anxiety issues and nightmares with my ex in them. I have tried to explain these dreams to my mom, and the anxiety. Why certain things still upset me and why I don’t like going back home to visit, not because I don’t like seeing her, but the area reminds me of him. When he called it off, he told me that he never loved me, but only lusted after me. Talk about a great self esteem boost. I could never really explain this to my mom because I was afraid of disappointing her. I think that now she will have a better understanding, but did it have to be this way? Yes, I am an adult now and can make my own decisions, but I respect her and value her opinion and views for my life.
I don’t know what to think now. I feel relieved, stressed, upset, mad, disappointed, happy, confused, abandoned. I don’t know what to do, really. I am afraid I have ruined a relationship with my mom. I know she will always love me, but I don’t think things will be the same between us ever again. I say so because I have watched similar things happen with my siblings. That sound so rude, and yet that is what they claim. I think I am scared. Scared of what? It’s hard to say. Sometimes I fear that I will never be blessed with a husband. That is one of my deepest desires. I have felt angry with God because that hasn’t happened yet. I was so close, and thank God that didn’t happen because it would have probably been an abusive relationship, I kid you not. You know what really stinks? Is that a little over a year and a half after the break up my ex is still trying to get a hold of me. He tried two weekends ago. Talk about a hard time.
To top it all off, Josh, my boyfriend, has had his work hours cut. We are also doing a business that pretty much hasn’t taken off at all. We’ve lost some friends along the way too. We haven’t had much support. We both feel abandoned and angry. It has caused us to fight, and get defensive and has made finances difficult. I am also looking for another day job because mine will be ending in August. I have had no motivation to search, though. I need to. I know I need to. Josh and I want to be well off with this business we are doing that by the time my current position ends, it won’t be necessary for me to get another job. It’s not looking great. What are we to do?
I feel like my world is crashing in around me, but I am happy with Josh. When I am near him, everything else just melts away.
This post has no particular point to it, except to get some things off my chest. I don’t really know what to do at this point, but I hope that you guys will still be my friend, and stand by my side through this trial. Pray for me.