"Walk By Faith, Not By Sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
Today, I feel downtrodden. Actually, this has been a recurring feeling lately. When I do something to help further myself in life, and prepare for my next steps after graduation, I feel like I am letting someone else down. Do you ever feel that way? I know I have a problem with trying to be a people-pleaser. I told myself that this year I would focus on me. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, although it kind of is. So often I find myself stretching thin to try to appease everyone else around me, leaving me at my end’s wits, feeling lost, tired, hopeless. Why is it now that I feel almost the same way, though I am focusing on what I need to do? Don’t get me wrong here, friends. God is always my main focus. I am not trying to place myself above Him or my relationship with Him. What I mean is that whenever I do something that makes me happy, or betters my future plans, I am hurting someone else it feels. I am coming to find that my friends do not fully appreciate or value our friendship as much as I do I suppose.
I have a friend that is getting married soon, and is hosting a bridal shower this weekend out of town-about 2 hours away. I have my senior pictures photo shoot that same morning, an event I am not sure how long it will take to finish. I also do not have a car. I have talked to my boyfriend about riding out there, though its a bridal shower. What would he do during the time? That isn’t my biggest concern. I guess I feel awful because I know how much this means to her. She stated as such, which makes me feel even worse. Why can’t I own my own car? Why can’t I just telaport every where? It would make life so much easier. She is a dear friend of mine, one that I have grown closer to over my years in college. I hate seeing her disappointed. You may think, why not reschedule your photo shoot? That has crossed my mind as well, but due to my limited time left in college, and mine and my photographer’s busy schedules, this was the only time that worked for the both of us. I feel like an awful friend.
To make matters worse, I have been given so much judgment on the fact of my fairly new boyfriend. He is friends with my ex boyfriend, which I suppose is breaking some type of bro code. Really? Can’t we all just approach this as adults? After all, that’s what we call ourselves. I feel like I need to justify my actions and choices to the world, which isn’t fair. I need only to speak to God about those, and even then, I don’t need to justify myself, because He already knows my motives, and the truths within me.
It is a hard time in my life. A time of transitions that I am finding hard to cope with. I am graduating in four weeks (yay!), but I am also finding that that change is leading to many others, including losing friends. I have felt lonely lately, and sad. Beat. Tired. Overwhelmed. I need prayers, and I seek the comfort of God. What do I do? The distance of the bridal shower is out of my control, I feel. Am I being a bad friend though? I can’t help that I have fallen for a man that I met through my ex, a man whose heart is for God, and is honest, even when it hurts. I know this is only a phase in my life, and that God has promised me a brighter tomorrow. I still question myself though, on a daily basis. What am I doing wrong? Have I done something terribly wrong? Are my friends really friends? I thought they would support my decisions. Get over the high school drama of who is dating who. Wouldn’t you be happy that I was happy?
Sometimes I need to talk. I need someone to listen, and understand. God hear me! Send help and comfort! Dear friends of mine, what to do? Rely on the Lord, I know. I ask for your prayers, support, encouragement, and love. I have been reminded these past couple of weeks of finding peace within the Lord, and that is what I seek. My panic attacks have been on the rise, and yet, I still seek Him. The Lord has also shown me to love my friends, regardless of how they treat me. After all, the greatest commandment is to love one another. I am trying. What happens when those I love do not reciprocate? I love you, friends. No matter what. I may be angry at you and frustrated from the lack of support you have shown. Yes, I am pushing many away, but I will always show you love when we meet again.
I find light within you, Oh Lord!
You are my tower, my safe kept fortress
Love one another as I have loved you
I try, and I fail, but your love remains
Let me see your light within my darkness
Let me feel you
Be overwhelmed by your blessings and grace
You are magnificent, God
You are there always
And I am yours