Can we go back to 2013, already? Or, maybe, just skip 2014.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I have last posted, and I am sorry about that. Life has
been a whirlwind. School is…going. I’m ready to graduate (why in the heck are 25 announcements over 50 bucks?!). I’m taking three reading and writing-intensive classes. And, thankfully, I get to have a little fun with two dance classes. I’m finally taking on and mastering ballet, a form I have avoided for forever.
One of my dance studios. I absolutely love this room! It’s on the top floor, so you can look down four floors to the lovely green outside.
I thank you guys for all the prayers for Andrew. They are being answered, though not exactly how I had in mind. Two weeks ago, Andrew informed me that he was going to move back home (which is out-of-state) to be close to his family and for work. We didn’t really discuss it, like many couples do, but it was rather a final decision for him. He had mentioned long distance and I told him I was scared because of how I have been treated in the past, but that we should both consider our relationship before making that decision. As I thought more about it, I mentally prepared myself for long distance, thinking that I only have three months left until I graduate, though he never did invite me to move up there after graduation. That mental preparation is what got me. This past Sunday, we ended things, Andrew taking back wanting to do long distance. He said that it wouldn’t be good for our relationship, and I agree. It hurt in the moment because I was prepared for something else, but it shows me that I can plan and plan and plan, but it’s ultimately God’s plan. For the past couple of months now I have been asking God to show me what to do about my relationship with Andrew because I felt like it wasn’t where I wanted it to be, and was antsy and frustrated. We would have a good week here and there, but for the most part, I felt bored, and slightly unappreciated (though, not as friends…just in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship). I felt trapped, and it took me until this Monday to realize that. I cried when Andrew told me his decision, but the following morning I woke up, and was happy. Wait, what?! God had given me peace about it. Andrew and I were still on good terms, though it may be a little awkward at first. Its mutual, and I understand his decision. He needs to be able to provide for himself before he provides for someone else. He is leaving this next week, and I ask that you guys will continue to pray for him through this transfer, and just for the both of us, in general. Going for spending almost every day together for a year, to not being able to see each other, even as just friends because of distance is hard. It really really sucks. I have been there before.
And, I ask that you guys will pray for me. I’m finding a quiet desperation to give in to the social pressure to get married by the time I graduate. When a relationship fails, or just doesn’t work, it really discourages me. I feel hopeless, in terms of that certain someone, though I know God will send him my way when we are both ready. It is still frustrating because I am human. Everyone tells me to hold tight, but it is always easier said than done, to be cliché. I am glad for this new time to focus on me and also my relationship with God, though. I think that might be one reason why God answered my prayers this way.
I have been really stressed as a result to all of this. Also, last week I ran out of my anxiety prescription and had to wait until this past Monday to get it refilled. I became really sick with dizziness, fatigue, headaches, and light-headed-ness while I was without my medication. Needless to say, it was a rough past week, but mentally and physically.
I wanted to post on the 14th about my dad as a special tribute because it was the day that marked his death. I have been struggling with the lost relationship with him, well, more a relationship that was never really there. I wonder how he would respond to my successes, struggles, tears, and triumphs. Though another year has passed, I am thankful for all the healing God has done on my family. My mom has never been happier (thanks to my new step-dad!), and us kids are all moving along with our lives. It still breaks my heart to think of those last few moments that I was able to tell him I love him as he mumbled incoherently on the other line of the phone, a memory that will never go away. I don’t know if I do want it to go away, no matter how much it hurts. Because, I know that my dad knew that I loved him regardless of what was in the past. Some days, I get confused with these emotions of love or not because of the hurt he brought upon my family, and the confusion, but God is teaching me to forgive. He was my biological father, and that is something that cannot be erased. Period.
This post is filled with a lot of hurting emotions, and that, unfortunately, has been my past couple of weeks, but I am not giving up, because the bible says that anything is possible with God. I am at peace and happy, though it has been a struggle off and on. Proud to represent the Garnet and Gold of our National Champs! Go NOLES!
As always, I love you guys. If you have any prayer requests, praises, or just want to say hi, tell me about yourself, or give me an update, witty comment, etc., please do!