"Walk By Faith, Not By Sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
Today has been one of those days, thus far and it is only 9:45am! I am feeling down trodden. I’ve been having some weird dreams these past couple of nights that I am sure are resulting from my anxiety. Did I not tell you? Yes, I have an anxiety disorder and it sucks. Some days, its not a problem at all. I have medication I take daily, and it does its job very well. I haven’t had a panic attack in months now, and that is partly do to some therapy counseling I sought out the spring semester. But, other days it really gets me, and today is one of those days.
I have been feeling really lonely lately, even when I’m around people. I feel as if there is nobody who truly gets me. Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend even doesn’t understand, which makes sense because I don’t really talk about it. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe its because I always tried to hide my sorrow, pain, hurt or struggle to the outside world? I find myself crying out to Jesus each night, though, praying for comfort and presence.
My dreams lately have been about this lonely feeling. You may have read some of my posts before about my love for my boyfriend, though we haven’t said those three small words with huge meaning yet. Or, maybe you are new here. Welcome. I’m glad you have stopped by. Anyway, I’ve been having weird dreams lately where Andrew tells me he loves me, and it is absolutely wonderful…until I wake up and see it is a dream. Last night was one of the weirdest, though. A little disclaimer, I am by no means a fan AT ALL of the Jonas brothers. Period. My best friend is, but I don’t do the teeny-bopper bands or whatever you want to call them. But, last night I was in love with Joe Jonas. If many of you don’t know, he is apparently the heart-throb of the three. In my opinion, he leaves a lot to be desired. But, in my dream, he didn’t. We were in love, but he had to marry someone else, who was strangely the same girl in which Joe’s older brother has married in real life, Dany. (I know all this Jonas stuff due to my lovely best friend, unfortunately). He had to marry this girl for his appearance to the public; to help promote his career and band. Pretty low, huh? And he did just that. He married her and I was left alone. Its silly now, writing about it. But, it shows this fear I have. I have a fear of being alone. I’ve known that for a long time now, but I always try to hide it and forget about it.
I know this fear spawns from my past engagement. I was previously engaged, and it ended badly. I was dumped. I didn’t do anything that would cause that, in the sense of cheating or anything. I see now that it wasn’t meant to be. But it still hurts. Knowing I was that close to being with someone forever. Its stupid too, because I will never be alone because I have God, and I know that. So what if Andrew loves me and we get married and live a wonderful life together? So what if he doesn’t? It shouldn’t matter because I have God. But, here I am becoming anxious about it and letting it effect my life; spill over into my thoughts and dreams. Why? Why do I have to be this way? It sucks!
I have been mediating on something I heard yesterday from the service at my church. It said that you don’t have to clean yourself up to come to God. You come to God as you are, and humbly. Lord, I’m here and I am broken. I am hurting. I need You! Take this burden from me, please!
I was given this verse the other day, too, and it has been on my heart. but those who hope in the Lord:
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.-Isaiah 40:30-31
All of this, from the music, verses, and sermons, have been on my heart and God has been teaching me that you don’t have to be anything to be a Christian, except you! What I mean is this; You don’t need to be cleaned up or sin-free to come before the Lord. God has taken care of that for you already. He sent His son, Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven and so that we could have a relationship that’s wonderful, and personal with our Creator, God. All we have to do is acknowledge our sin and confess with our mouths that we are sinners, believing that we are forgiven because of Jesus. Ask for forgiveness.
So, what does this have to do with my loneliness? Is feeling lonely a sin? I definitely don’t think so. God gave us emotion for a reason. I think it is a way of seeking Him more. But, in the same way as confessing our sins, we can confess our feelings and thoughts to God. We have that intimate relationship with Him. He wants to hear from us, know how we feel, have us seek comfort in Him. I have been struggling a lot lately, and God knows. He hears my cry. It is okay to cry to Him. David did so in the Psalms so many times. Psalm 5:1-3a says, “Give ear to my words, O Lord; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you I do pray. O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice…” David was considered one of the greatest kings, ever! But, it doesn’t mean he didn’t have human emotions; hurt, pain, struggle, sorrow. Jesus experienced these emotions when he died on the cross. That being the case, He understands. God is all-knowing. He hears all, even the silent cries.
Today, I am crying out. I need prayer. I need God. Please pray for me, brothers and sisters. And remember, “But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield.” -Psalm 5:11-12.