"Walk By Faith, Not By Sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
I’ve been living in fear. Fear of the past and fear of the future. My mind rages a crazy battle against itself daily because I know it is stupid to be afraid, but I am.
I fear the past; the memories that were once so wonderful and are now broken and tainted with despise and hurt and pain. I fear the future because I’m afraid the past will repeat itself. It’s a fault of mine. I try to please everyone around me and cling on to everything. But, sometimes those things are temporary. I’ve learned that recently and yet I still fear. God isn’t temporary; He is always going to be here, and I should not be afraid. Why should I be anyway? Things are going wonderful. I guess its because the last time it seemed that way, everything went down hill. I got engaged, and then, wamp. That was it. But, maybe I’m forgetting the things that were red flags in that situation. I haven’t gotten any of those now, and I am thankful. I just want it to progress some more. Maybe that’s where some more fear is settling in. That’s what I want, but its not something I can just snap my fingers to and have him fall into place. I love him, but does he feel the same way? Why am I holding back? I want him to say it first so I don’t scare him away. Maybe I’m afraid of rejection. I mean, after all, the last rejection was one that I don’t wish on anyone. It seems silly now, as I write this down. But, its helping clear my thoughts. It’s almost euphoric. Sometimes, its like I can’t talk to anyone about this, but here I write to you and it all just seeps away. It’s silly living in fear. The bible even says to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself and each day has enough trouble of its own. This fear is sparking from worry. My stupid anxiety. And, why the past? It already happened. Yea, it was painful. Yea, it sucked, but I’m still here today and God isn’t done with my story. Maybe he will be a big part or a little part, but I shouldn’t worry. God only knows.